News from Shangri-La, martial arts utopia

I sometimes muse what it would be like if everyone trained in some martial art or other. Maybe it would be part of the school curriculum....(cue wavy utopian dream visuals)

"Apparently, in the old days, people would start a fight just for bumping into one another or if one had cast an eye over the other's partner in an over-keen manner: imagine! Of course, people fight still. Traditionalists like the formality of an official duel with seconds and everything, but most people if they are going to fight just get on with it there and then. Often a curious crowd will gather to appreciate the spectacle, trying to guess the school in which the brawlers have trained, and to heckle them if they use any overly-dirty techniques, the sort that still hurt on a cold day many years in the future. 

Children used to be discouraged from rough and tumble, especially girls, but they say its good for them now, so long as it doesn't get out of hand of course. Folks who don't like contact with others are seen as, well, a bit strange: what with so many people about these days, you've got to get used to a bit of heaving and jostling!

We love to watch the boxers and those MMA fighters from the old fashioned telly programmes. Of course, you can take your pick from fifteen or twenty different pugilistic events these days, and the fighters do very well: look at old "Iron Fist" McGill, Mayor of London now would you believe...

The best fighters are sent away as kids to the big schools in Tokyo, Manila or Shanghai, that's where most of the telly fighters get trained...

I hear it's fashionable for younger men to take trips to rough cities like Rio or Johannesburg: "tag-team tourism" they call it, where they go and pick fights with the local gangs and whatnot, but of course many of 'em don't make it back alive. Stupid isn't it? Boys will be boys though.

Of course, the kids have all got their favourite fighters and styles, they're always bugging the parents for the latest action figure or computer game. 

Me, I still like the odd bit of recreational sparring, nothing heavy mind: me and the lads from work book a slot in the dojo of a weekend and give each other a mild going over. We can only really manage the softer martial arts these days: no spinning back kicks for us! It keeps you fit and healthy, and it's all good fun.When I was younger, I hated it, but mainly because it was teachers pushing you to do it. But as you get older, you see the worth in it. 

If I'd have had any sense, I'd have out some money into the Instaform mouthguard company a few years back,now they sponsor most of the big schools and events, but you can't win'em all I suppose.

Amazing how times change eh?"

Gone fishing?

When the Autumn rolls around again, spreading its wan light across the lawns of St Ann's Well Gardens, a tai chi man's thoughts turn to spear practice, something vigourous to warm his bones and get the blood pumping. The spear is a bulky object, and when carried in its case, people often mistake it for fishing gear: "Caught anything today?" they say, "Not today" I reply.

I like that people don't know, that in a small way, I lead a double life. Ninety percent of the population seem to find the idea of combatic martial arts mildly offensive, and I also like that.I like tai chi for its secrecy, for its aversion to showiness. When they wanted someone to teach a self-defence course at work, no-one thought to ask me, despite the fact I already teach there. It just didn't occur. Now, I'm no Geoff Thompson, but compared to most of the mortals that inhabit my workplace, I'm Conan the goddamned Barbarian. But they just don't know. The great thing is, even people that do tai chi don't know. They've convinced themselves (someof them anyway) that it's all just a fitness, wellbeing thing. "Those bits that look suspiciously like punches, they're not...?" "No, absolutely not. It's good for you. Now stop asking questions ands wave your arms about a bit." Not for us the showy pecs and abs of the gym-bunnies. Not for us the flash uniforms and spinny kicks that others favour. Just pure, unblemished anonymity, quiet dignity, and no glory-seeking whatsoever. Sigh.

Tai chi chuan in the home: simple steps to martial success

This might sound utterly mad, and in fact can look rather mad when caught in the act by those who share your home and/or workplace, but there's good training to be had in those everyday environments.
When doing washing up or cleaning teeth, I like to stand on one leg and practice balance, maybe even a bit of Kick Out Leg In A Curve. One can try climbing the stairs Nine Palace-style, and Seven Stars Stepping can be substituted for your regular technique of perambulation.
Your skills of control can be put to use when doing activities such as making tea or pouring cereal into your bowl, especially effective when you have a sleeping partner that won't appreciate being wakened. Catching closing doors with feet and hands is good for trapping-type practice (though watch your fingers and toes as screams aren't very ninja-like), whilst door handles, banisters and in fact anything solid make good targets for ultra-soft accurate punch/slap placement.
When bending low for pans in the kitchen or DVDs on the lower shelf, try a bit of Snake Creeps Down. Pencils, spatulas and any item of handy size can make a good sword, sabre or spear.
Lastly, upon proceeding through your homestead, it is possible to use all surfaces/objetcs in a kind of Wing Chun dummy way, with table legs becoming opponent's legs, banisters becoming arms and so on, so that you can thread a whole series of maneuvers together in a fluid way.

And,if you get caught doing it, I was never here and The Palace Guard Blog never existed...

NEXT WEEK: ARE YOU A TAI CHI WIDOW? Readers tell their heartbreaking stories AND: HOW TO DIVORCE YOUR TAI CHI OBSESSED MAN...

Defending the No-Self; or keeping friends and others close...

"Self Defense": It so commonly slips off the tongue of the average martial artist, but what really does it mean? Survival is the key flavour here. Survival at a physiological level, with one eye on the march of time which carries the body with it. Survival at the social level, that our lives are not forfeit to the first forceful person we encounter, as Cheng Man -Ch'ing said "The difference between yoga and tai chi is that even if you get it studying yoga , there's nothing you can do if someone tries to knock you off your cushion." (pp 81 "There Are No Secrets")

If we look beyond the self, at the wider picture, what do we see? Ecology, simply put. Interconnectedness. That youth that feels aggressive towards me is carrying that feeling from elsewhere; that drunken man who shoulders me in the pub is that drunk because of circumstances leading up to the drunkenness.

Obviously we cannot control everything; we cannot control much at all if we are honest. So an attempt to stem all violence at the source is impossible. But we should be aware of how our every action, our every small aggression streams into the ether, to reappear who knows where...

By the time violence reaches our bodily person, often it is too late. But a really strategic approach would see that violence comes from general suffering and lack of attention to others, and before the trouble gets near, we might do well to redress the balance in our favour. As the inimitable TT Liang wrote: "Make one thousand friends, but don't make one enemy." (pp.126"Steal My Art")

Top Ten Film Fight Scenes

Although obviously the Palace Guard is usually a fount of high and refined culture, every now and then I can't resist a good old fashioned list of things. So here we go. The best fight sequences of all time. Some are good because they're fun, or beautiful even; some are here because they're downright gritty and painful to watch. At this time I'm too lazy to embed all the clips. Hunt 'em down on Youtube yourselves: do I have to do everything?

10-  Last Samurai : where Cruise gets a drubbing
Short but oh so sweet and not just because the Cruise-meister gets a kicking. It's brutal, realistic and rainy. Oh and did I mention, Cruise gets a drubbing? Right.

9-   Kick Ass: scene where the chap gets stabbed
Okay, the rest of the movie kind of tails off after this, but this bit is spot-on, just what I would imagine to happen, and a shot in the arm for fantasists everywhere.

8-Saving Private Ryan: grizly knife death wrestle
This is literally painful to watch, close-up and very personal. Upsetting, and another brave inclusion in a film that didn't pull any visual punches.

7- Gladiator : the whole chariot bit? The fight against the german?
Really, one is spoilt for choice, with some amazing set pieces and duels. Everything, from the encounter in the forest with the would-be executioners, to the grapple with old Joaquin at the end, is amazingly well-crafted.

6- The Princess Bride: epic duel scene
You've got to love it. For sheer length and virtuosity as well as humour, this ranks alongside the greats.

5- 300: most of the scenes...
The sandals and swords theme provides another rich feast of martial excellence, as well as unfeasible abs and some kinky stuff reminiscent of the "earth-room" scene in the ever underrated "Zoolander"...

4-Bitter love sabre duel in House of Flying Daggers
At the time I saw this I actually was kind of engaged in a tricksy love situation, so this really hit me where it hurts, man. And them as well, what with sticking bits of metal in each other in a wondrous variety of ways whilst it snows.

3-Lord of the Rings: the Amon Hen bit in the wood with loads of baddies
This nearly came top for me: great sword action, thrown things, limb severances, and a Platoon-like death by multiple arrows. After this, the battles become epic and less personal, and involve buckets of CGI. Men in rubber suits hitting each other, that's the ticket.

2-Crouching Tiger: two women have multiple weapons
Aagh...Do I mean this one or the one where Michelle Yeoh and Zhang Ziyi first meet? No, I think the second, because by this time they really hate each other, and you can feel their venom through the medium of multiple, expertly handled weapons. Truly one to set your heart pounding.

1- The Bourne Identity: Biromania
Yes, yes, yes: truly the fight to end all fights. It's surprising, brutal and amazingly choreographed. At one point Damon is hitting the guy so rapidly with the aforementioned biro, you have to watch it back on freeze-frame. Improvised weapons, close-quarters grit, bone-breaking excellence: this one has it all. Then he leaps out of the bloody window. Hurrah for Matt Damon and his depiction of the confused yet deadly young man!

Time machine needed

I am a sucker for a sword-fighting film, always have been, and so the sword form has always been one of my favourite bits of tai chi chuan. When it comes to the actual use of the things, we have so many questions. Was the double-edged sword merely a duelling weapon, or did it see use on the battlefield? If the former, then how was victory decided, was it to the death or first blood or what? The typical sword applications that we are taught are so flashy, and involve such large movements that they can only be appropriate to battlefield use, but such a relatively delicate, double-edged number wouldn't have lasted long with hordes of hoi-polloi constantly trying to hew bits from one's aristocratic frame...The thing is that we'll never really know. If we  could just see one real chinese sword encounter, it would all make sense...all power to the reconstructionists I say. Sword geek out.

It was nothing like The Warriors

I have just returned from New York,a place which I was expecting to be intimidating, full of street gangs looking to relieve an Englishman of his hard-earned wages, and muggers on the prowl between the skyrises. Of course, it turned out to be one of the most affable and pleasant places that I have yet visited. I have always been a little paranoid , and training in the martial arts I think can really compound this (having been assaulted not so long ago probably doesn't help either...) I am always keen to stay aware in all situations, but I realise that, recently, I have been allowing this to get in the way of my enjoyment of things. I don't want to turn out to be like the fearful old gunslinger, back to the wall and one finger on the trigger: where's the fun in that? It's a question of trusting in your training, if only because when trouble comes, it will be your instincts that respond rather than your steely-eyed attempt at awareness. On the occasion when trouble came for me, I was totally off-guard, yet I responded in an appropriate way. You would think, being a tai chi afficionado, that I would have learnt the lessons of relaxation long ago, but I'm only just beginning. It's good to be back.